The Chicken Dance at Denny's: The Lowest Point in My Life ... So Far.

This week, in an attempt to make a shit ton of money really fast, I took a job as a server at a new Denny's restaurant that opens in a couple of weeks. So far, it just might be the worst thing I've ever done. They're training all the servers in a giant group, and for the most part, it's a complete shit show. But all you really need to know right now is that if I were to arrive late to training, I would have to perform the Chicken Dance. Understandably, this has thoroughly terrified me enough to leave early all week. Today, however, was an exception.

Unfortunately, I left a couple minutes late this afternoon because I was desperately applying to jobs with the federal government in an attempt to escape from whatever circle of hell this is. On the drive in, I knew that if I were to arrive late, the Chicken Dance would of course be my punishment. I had some time for my imagination to take over and I imagined myself arriving late and the trainers would single me out in front of everyone to do the Chicken Dance. I imagined myself replying with, "yanno, I don't need this job that badly, so I'm just gonna head out. I hope your store does well and I wish you all the best of luck," and I would turn in my apron and walk out with my dignity partially in tact. Thankfully, I arrived with 5 minutes to spare, so all of my fretting and imaginative scenarios were for naught. Or so I believed.

After sitting down, the trainers gleefully awaited for people to arrive late like hungry vultures with name badges. After a few kids arrived late and were found to have had valid excuses, the trainers announced, "since no one was late we all get to do the Chicken Dance!" Because it is apparently "fun." They actually said this. Twice, maybe three times. "It's fun!" I suppose one person's idea of fun is another person's idea of a torturous hell. The Chicken Dance is my torturous hell.

Everyone began looking around in disbelief and horror. I thought to myself, "surely, woman, you jest!" except it was more like, "holy fuck, they've got to fucking be kidding, this isn't fucking fair, what the fuck can I do to get myself the fuck out of here right the fuck now?"

The trainers pulled up a video on youtube and began to play it. It was, in fact, the Chicken Dance. This was actually happening.

They then began to dance. Their fingers flapped, their arms waved, and their asses twisted to the floor in a paralyzing display of brazen shamelessness, which, remember, was supposed to be "fun!" I looked on in terror. For the first thirty seconds, which felt like hours, let me tell you, no one danced but the trainers. We all stood there with our arms at our sides, mouths agape at what was occurring before us. It was gruesome, a veritable blood bath. They noticed this and called us out on it. No one moved. We were all too terrified. All of us were thinking, and some of us were vocalizing, that this wasn't part of the fucking deal. We arrive on time, we avoid the Chicken Dance. We arrive late, we are punished. Severely. That was the agreement, yet the trainers continued to flap away.

In my mind, I had rehearsed arriving late like a douche and deserved to have to do the Chicken Dance. That I was prepared for. I was not prepared for this curve ball of awful, not to mention I had just gotten boxed in by the I'm-Too-Excited-About-Denny's trainer woman from Texas. She waved and flapped and twisted right next to me while threatening us with a four hour training on the Chicken Dance if we didn't join in. There was nothing I could do and nowhere else to go.

I begrudgingly began to dance.

At this point, we had successfully managed to kill a minute and a half of the video, but there was still a minute left to dance. So I waved and flapped and twisted while my heart broke and I died a little inside. Okay, maybe a lot. I watched the progress timer bar on the video inch its way across the screen in a slow march to death and ached for it to mercifully go faster. The girl next to me danced because it spread like a virus. There were, however, stragglers on the outside of the group who had more dignity than me and refused to dance at all. They were too-cool-for-school teenage girls. I envied their tenacity and ability to buck authority even in the most pressing of circumstances.

It was easily the most awkward two minutes and forty-three seconds of my life. A 28 year old world traveler with management experience who not only graduated with a master's degree, but is also a published academic author, was forced to perform the Chicken Dance at a Denny's in front of high school girls. I can't even begin to describe how I felt afterwards. The two most accurate words are "horrified" (I typed horrified, horror, horrible, and other variants at least eight times in this blog. Thank god for thesauruses) and "shamed," though they obviously don't do my experience yellow-feathered justice.

They rewarded those prisoners who dutifully followed orders in what I felt was a lavish gesture of generosity, probably due to the sudden onset of Stockholm Syndrome. And what was my reward? A light up Denny's pen.

I sat down a defeated man. Any pride or self confidence I may have had prior to arriving at Denny's tonight has now been stampeded by dancing chickens in Denny's aprons. I will have nightmares of those three minutes for the rest of my life. As I sat down, my face was bright red and I was sweating from such unprecedented levels of embarrassment. When the dust settled, I thought, "that's it. That was the worst moment of my life. I've officially hit rock bottom."

Throughout the rest of the training, which involved terrible slideshow presentations, I kept thinking to myself, "life can't possibly get worse than this." But no, now I think it can. They could've forced me to do the Chicken Dance naked covered in Denny's whipped cream while singing a Nickelback song. So, while this was single-handedly the most embarrassing experience of my life, I at least have something to look forward to.

Addendum: I have decided that if I ever write any sort of autobiography or memoirs at some point in my life, this chapter will be known as Moons Over My Humiliation. Bam.

A Spiritual Crisis

This is a four thousand word fairly focused mess of the current state of Ed. Being that it’s so long, I’ve broken it into four sections and I will outline it all a bit here in the first paragraph like a true former academic. In the introduction, I’ll give background to my current situation, chronologically, physically and spiritually. In the second section, I'll offer a critique of the Law of Attraction. It had served me well for years until about six months ago, but now my entire spiritual house of cards is in shambles, which leads me to the third section. There, I’ll discuss the elimination of attachment, seemingly the last resort to my current spiritual crisis. If the Universe isn’t playing by the rules I thought it had played by for so long, the only thing I have left to do is give up on being attached to any rules at all. Unfortunately, the final section on my current spiritual crisis isn’t particularly happy and it pokes holes in much of what I’ve thought was true for so long. I now find myself completely lost and without purpose and faith for the first time in my life. Fun! Feel free to skip the first three sections and read the last one, entitled "A Spiritual Crisis" if you're just looking for a summary. The rest of the stuff is just me being incredibly thorough.

INTRODUCTION

Right now, I’m just trying to make sense of life and the Universe through philosophy and spirituality. I thought I had a really good grasp on things until my life went and shat all over itself and now, I’m standing back thinking, “hmm.. all of this stuff about positivity, desire and attraction is all just bullshit,” which turns my once rock-solid belief system into a transparent, gelatinous mess much like red jello, except considerably less tasty.

Here’s a quick summary of my twenties in case you’re new to Ed: I graduated with a semi-useless degree in photography at 21 and wasn’t sure what to do with myself, so I took a job teaching people with disabilities in college. Turns out, I loved the job and helping people, so I stayed with the company for 4 years. During that time, I tried multiple times to get into graduate school, each attempt failing more miserably then the last. Finally, my perseverance paid off and I got into a ridiculously amazing program that allowed me to study and live in London, Leiden (outside of Amsterdam), Vienna, Geneva and Beijing for two months each. It was the best year of my life and I thought my luck had finally turned around. When I got home from Beijing, I got stuck in Buffalo due to money problems, but moved to Washington DC in May last year in an attempt to find a job in international development. The six months I spent in DC were incredibly trying, and ultimately, the risk I took failed when the temp agency I was working through dropped the ball and only gave me 20 hours a week after three months of full time work. I couldn’t pay my bills and had to move back to Buffalo as I ran out of money. It’s now three months later and I’m still stuck in Buffalo, unemployed, miserable and with absolutely no clue what to do next. It’s...slightly strange to be able to summarize 8 years of my life in one paragraph.

Anyway, I was so convinced that if I just wanted something enough and that if I just worked hard enough, it would magically come true. The only thing standing between me and my dream of a job in international development was just how intense my desire was: either I could give up and say I lost, or keep trying like a stubborn son of a bitch, knowing that it was going to come true at some point. I did focus on my goals and took a bunch of risks while trying really fucking hard to make my dreams come true, and all that has happened in the past year and half has been constant struggle coupled with massive disappointment.

To those people that would have called my previous actions and beliefs idealistic and naive, I suppose you were right, but I would have rather been an idealist than a realist anyway. Unfortunately, being an idealist and an optimist has gotten me nowhere, so I’m forced to become a realist because my life sucks right now. I have to confront the beliefs that got me here as I’ve spent eight years and a shit ton of effort chasing a dream. At this point, regardless of how many steps and risks I’ve taken and how much I wanted it to work out, I’m in a pretty sucktacular place.

A CRITIQUE ON THE LAW OF ATTRACTION

So I’m questioning a lot of what I used to believe. A big part of this is the supposed spiritual Law of Attraction, which dictates that like attracts like, so if you’re an optimist and believe positives things, positive things will be attracted to you. This was me for a long time. Before, during and after my graduate school experience, I truly believed that I had drawn amazing experiences to myself because I had completely changed my belief structure to reflect this Law of Attraction. Logically, because I was manifesting amazing things for myself (I’d say living around the world for a year was pretty amazing) and because I so completely believed that more great things would be coming my way, my life should have been on a pleasant incline towards awesome.

This is the type of idea promoted by books like “The Secret,” which promote rampant and egoic materialism covered in safe, faux-spirituality that caters to those in the New Agey crowd more interested in materialism than true spiritual development. The premise is that if you want a new car and a pretty spouse hard enough, the Universe must obey your selfish requests and part like the Red Sea, as if we are all our own personal Moses. I always thought that this was crap since there are droves of people out there trying to be actors and rock stars, and it only happens for a very small percentage of them. So what about the others? I’m sure that for most of them, their desires and skill sets were strong enough, it’s just that our society doesn’t have enough room for tens of thousands of actors and rock stars. Still, I subconsciously agreed with the premise. Plus, I thought that because I had wanted to help people through a career in international development, my not-so-selfish desire would be granted by the Universe. I was optimistic, I wanted to give back and make the world a better place and I was determined to do so. I figured I was on the right track.

The pleasant incline towards awesome I had hoped to be on actually turned out to be a steep water slide filled with pee which led into a large pool filled with poo. Perception is key to life and experiences, and I could only pretend that my excrement-laden slide was fun for so long before I gradually began to understand the reality of my situation. Things in my life have gotten progressively worse over the past six months and my former positive attitude has been beaten into submission. If like attracts like and if I was so positive for so long, then why has my life turned out so freaking terribly?

I’ve come to realize that the fabled “Law of Attraction” really does work...if you’re already rich or born with a staggering amount of luck on your side. Neither of these things apply to me, and because I have terrible, awful, shit luck, I get pissed off, jealous and slightly bitter when I see people succeeding effortlessly lately. However, those people who are advocating for the Law of Attraction and other fluffy, pleasant and warm ideas are simply trying to help the world by explaining what has worked for them. They tried and succeeded and that’s their experience. That’s all they can understand and it’s not their fault for encouraging others to do the same. However, not everyone’s path is fluffy, pleasant and warm. I’m sure many of the people who believe in the Law of Attraction have faced stark adversity, but at some point, something clicked and the Universe or luck or whatever switched to their side and good things started coming their way.

For the past decade or three, I constantly busted my balls off to make something of myself by setting up goals and plans which all followed the rules of society: I did really well in grammar and high school, took out loans and put myself through college, worked and gained experience through different jobs, made a new life plan when I realized I wasn’t happy where I was, went back to school convinced that more education would beget a good job, and when I graduated, I took a huge risk and moved to the city where I would have had the best chance at a career and economic success. I’ve paid my bills on time, I’m consistently kind and treat everyone with respect. I valued and believed in the ideals of hard work and education. Meanwhile, large multinational corporations, huge banks and monied interests, in collusion with our politicians and government, have drained our economy through illegal means and have simultaneously destroyed our planet. They broke all the rules and have rewarded themselves handsomely. I followed the rules all my life and I’m 28 single, unemployed, overeducated, broke, living with my parents and with no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

So I suppose my life and experiences prove to me that the Law of Attraction is mostly bullshit. However, one of the spiritual truths that I’m still questioning is that everything one wants will eventually manifest itself, it just might take time. So who knows, maybe all I wanted in this life will finally come true fourteen billion lifetimes from now, but if that’s the case, I’d rather just not want anything at all. I know patience is a virtue and whatnot, but I really don’t feel like coming back here for centuries just to fulfill some dumb desire from a long time ago. That is the general law of karma, isn’t it? Whatever one gives out will come back, and if one projects enough desire, said desire is bound to bring back results. It just might take some time. Will I have to be reincarnated again and again until I finally experience all that I desired in this and all my past lives due to karmic law? Possibly and if so, fuck that.

With all of this, I’m left asking what the hell should I do next? Truly, I have no idea. A very small part of me wants to try what I’ve always done: form a new plan, hunker down and stubbornly force myself forward to accomplish a new goal. This is all I’ve ever done and it’s the only thing I really know how to do. After trying it numerous fucking times, however, I’m starting to wonder if it’s ever going to work for me. This is all most people do and we’re all stuck in this endless cycle of trying to make our lives passable in an economy and society that seems to revel in the failure and misery of regular people.

THE ELIMINATION OF ATTACHMENT

What else is there to do besides try harder? Give up trying? I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that or what it would entail, but that’s what I’m drifting towards. Perhaps the whole reason why I’m back in Buffalo is to do two things that are inherently related: break down my ego and release myself from the endless loop of attachment and desire. Like I said, though, the problem is that I have absolutely no idea how to do this.

Part of my problem is that I’ve done all of this self-analyzation and partial ego destruction on my own and I’d say 95% of my spiritual journey has been solitary, so it’s hard for me to gauge where I am and what I’m doing. I hear of all these spiritual and religious communities where people can rely on each other, but I’m vehemently opposed to any organization when it comes to spirituality. Plus, I feel like my ideas are closest to various Pagan, New Age, Kabbalistic, and other similar schools and the people that are drawn to these kinds of groups are generally not my kind of people. I’m too grounded and pragmatic. I have a very dark sense of humor and I swear like a sailor, but I feel my style of language adds a splash of color and humanity to what would otherwise be a very boring topic. If something like this were written by a typical New Ager, I’d be furious over how many times they’d likely mention love, consciousness, being, spirit, and other similarly groundless and fluffy words. Frankly, I feel that most of these people would be shocked or turned off by me because I don’t speak in light-bringing platitudes.

A friend and I recently went to a medium in Lily Dale and she told me my energy is “sharp” and “very hard to read,” which I’ve heard from other friends who are into energy fields and auras. Obviously I’m different from the soft, plump and couch cushion-like old ladies who often frequent those spiritual streets. I’ve gone for two different readings by two different mediums and they both completely missed the ball, either because they suck at their jobs or because I’m too difficult to read. I joked with my friend that my energy broke the mediums we saw together because she always gets great readings when I don’t go with her, but when she follows me, the mediums give her subpar readings. Mine just all around suck. So what do I make of my difference and where do I fit in? I have no clue, but it’d be nice to find a place where people with similar thoughts are capable of keeping their heads out of the clouds and grounded in more tangible rhetoric and practices.

When it comes to ego destruction, I feel as if mine is especially tricky as I’m not emotional at all in most respects. Most things never get to me. Am I more in control of my ego because I’m not ruled by my feelings? At all? Whatsoever? Or has my left-brain succeeded in finally destroying my creative and emotional other half? I’ve spent the past 28 years of my life chasing career-based dreams, which is pretty ego-reinforcing, I suppose. I’ve remained “spiritual” on the side through lots of reading and thoughtful contemplation, but my spirituality and mind were always used as tools to get what my ego wanted out of life: an engaging, rewarding career in international development. Maybe the point of not getting the job I’ve wanted for so long was to force me to relinquish my ego because had I gotten a great job, the ego would have been constantly reinforced by the status of my career.

Because of all this, I find myself drifting closer to the basic tenets of Buddhism and Taoism. However, I’m not sure if this is me agreeing with the ideas of these thought-systems or if it’s because I’m just turning into a cranky, spiritual cynic. I desired a great job for so long, and really, when I get down to it, the actual problem isn’t that I didn’t land a job, the problem is that I was so attached to the idea of getting this great job that my entire self feels lost now that I don’t have it. I forewent everything because I figured if I could just get a career in international development, everything would come up Milhouse.. I mean Ed. But now the previous 8 years feel like a frustrating mess of chasing spirits and shadows.

I have a problem with eliminating desire, however. I can not desire all I want but at the end of the day, I’m simply desiring to not desire, and what the balls am I supposed to do with that? I remember first learning about Buddhism and nirvana when I was in middle and high school and I was completely dumbfounded by it. All of these Buddhist people are running around seeking their ultimate goal of nirvana, which is a state in which desire and the ego no longer exist. But how are you supposed to achieve nirvana if it means you can’t want it? How is one supposed to achieve a goal if you can’t desire to achieve it? Is one supposed to randomly trip over a nirvana stone one day and happily land face first on the cold hard ground of selflessness? I’ve never found an answer to this basic and kinda-really-fucking-important question besides the “follow these eight simple Buddhist rules” bullshit. If it were truly that simple, then I’m pretty sure more of the millions of Buddhists out there would be achieving this storied state, but instead, people are stuck wanting to not want and making no progress towards the destruction of the ego.

After thinking on this whole desire thing for a couple of days, I realized that desire isn’t the problem. We all have desires that manifest themselves every day, such as the desire to eat, make friends and have kids. Hopefully those three desires don’t manifest themselves as one single desire for you. That would be bad. The real problem and danger is attachment. Our attachment to the outcome of our desires is what gets us into trouble. The distinction is subtle and in the end, it doesn’t make a huge difference, but it allows us to desire all we want, which is logical. We just can’t get attached to the outcomes, but then this is where shit gets tricky. I have absolutely no clue how to engage in desiring a goal without getting attached to a certain outcome. Let’s take what I’m currently going through as an example. I desire a great career with a great husband in a wonderful city with financial security. However, at the same time, I should be perfectly okay with the possibility of being 30 and in the same situation I’m in now? Living at home, unemployed, broke and stuck in Buffalo? Fuck that, that’s ridiculous. It was my attachment to the first outcome that made me work so hard to avoid the second and current outcome. Without working so hard, how in the hell will my goals come to fruition?

A SPIRITUAL CRISIS

Taoism teaches one to live in harmony with the Tao, nature, the Middle Way, or the path with the least resistance. Be like water. Surrender and flow to where you’re needed. Release your attachment to your situation and you’ll find peace. Fine. I did that. That’s why I came back to Buffalo. I surrendered, gave up and followed what I thought were signs from the Universe and moved back home because I figured I’d give up on struggling so hard in DC, except I’m more miserable than I’ve ever been. And now, not only am I miserable, but I’m completely lost. At least in DC, I had direction and purpose.

I guess all I can do right now is sit back and wait for what’s next in my life as opposed to struggling to force it to happen as usual. I’ve heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. At least I can say I’m not insane. Here’s the thing, though. I really fucking want and need a job. Soon. I’m broke and I’m nearly thirty with nothing to show for it, and the Universe seems content with throwing me broken bits of bone. I’m not even getting full bones lately! Just the shitty ones already torn to bits by other people.

So at the lowest point in my life in a long time, I’m supposed to shrug my shoulders, say it’s okay and have faith that it’ll all work out in the end? I don’t see that happening. I used to think that everything happened for a reason and it was all well and good when I had that one last thing to try, whether it was grad school or moving to a new city, but now that I’m all out of options, I’m also inconveniently all out of faith, hope and optimism. Previously, if I started to feel bad about my life or any aspect of it, I could just have faith that things would improve but things have only gotten massively shittier. Without faith, life feels pointless. So is it better to realize that reality is a bitter cold asshole who really doesn’t have my back or pretend that a Flying Spaghetti Monster is secretly watching over me and has my best interest at heart? I’m not so sure anymore.

I don’t see how it’s possible to put my trust in the Universe and yet somehow remain unattached to the idea of improving my current situation. Right now, all I see in my future are crap jobs that pay nothing because once again, I have shit for luck and I graduated at the wrong time in history. Because all I will be able to land are crap jobs, my financial future is looking pretty shaky. Thankfully, I’ve already eliminated my consumerist urges, but that was due to necessity, not a haughty sense of purpose. Since I’ve never made more than $24,000 in a year and I’m $90,000 in debt, it has gotten pretty easy to say, “I don’t need that insanely fun looking new piece of technology.” But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want my own place and have a future in a decent career that doesn’t make me want to kill myself when I wake up in the morning. You’d think that such a desire would be pretty basic and obtainable, but the Universe can’t even seem to send that my way. Meanwhile, douchebags who have wrecked lives and destroyed the planet get their every want and need met. And they’re the ones who are dictating how the rest of us are living! Their selfish desires and the economic and spiritual lies they’ve fed us are the reason we’re all screwed while they succeed. Seems pretty backwards to me.

So here we are again. I’ve written thousands of words about where I currently am spiritually and now more than ever, I’m really not sure what comes next. My answer before was always, “I just need to do this,” or “that certain type of break just needs to happen for me and I’ll be okay.” Everyone I know always tells me similar stuff, “just hang in there, something will turn around for you,” and whatnot, but it’s been a year and a half of constant struggle and disappointment. And even if something great were to come up, it wouldn’t last because that’s just the nature of reality. Not only that, if something were to change for me, what about all the other people who face similar or worse economic situations? Are they supposed to simply sit back and patiently wait their turn while the Universe figures out how to provide basic necessities and a slightly-better-than-awful quality of life for seven billion people? It doesn’t seem fair and so many of the New Agey, Law of Attraction folks seem to ignore this with rose-colored glasses. Apparently if the starving kids in Africa only wanted food a little bit more, they’d get it. BAM, I pretty much destroyed that whole argument in one sentence. So the New Agers and those that spout constant love and positivity can talk about “abundance” all they want, but until our society completely restructures itself, they will forever remain dangerously naive. Actually, I’d go one more step further and say that the continued encouragement of the Law of Attraction promotes materialism and thus reinforces our current capitalist economic model, which only ensures further exploitation of the world’s poor. So, this dangerous belief is not only naive, but implicit in keeping others from being able to create decent lives for themselves. Here’s to using my grad school vocabulary, language structure and critical thinking skills to deconstruct phony spiritual beliefs while simultaneously offering economic criticisms! Shit, I’m far too aware of the current state of things for my own damned good, and it’s making me cynical. It sucks being so brilliant sometimes. And sadly, coupling economic cynicism with my new-found spiritual cynicism leaves me feeling pretty hollow.

All I have left to try is the elimination of my ego, which is still just another desire in a long list of physical and spiritual desires that all leave me feeling more and more empty the more I chase them. I feel that I needed to write all this down, though. Otherwise, my hikes would have been plagued by the same ideas until I turned it into a blog of ginormous proportion. Maybe now, my hikes will be filled with my next pointless spiritual pursuit involving how the Universe likes to abandon those that want to serve it while rewarding those that wish to destroy it. Perhaps these four thousand words were written to lead me to the realization that our planet and the Universe are simply psychotic and suicidal. Maybe all they want is to be destroyed but they're not capable of doing it unless their little microbits kill themselves off first. I’ve aways been interested in the bigger picture, so maybe the reason why vulture capitalists and evildoers thrive while the rest of us suffer is so that this plane of existence can be put out of its misery even faster.

I started this blog off only slightly cynical and was hoping to find solace through writing it. When I thought I was 95% of the way finished, I wrote an ending few sentences that were supposed to close it all out, but wound up turning into this huge and depressing last section. Now I feel more cynical than ever! Wonderful. Stupid fingers and brain, that’s the exact opposite of what I wanted. Oh wait, maybe if I were less attached to trying to feel better about the Universe and my purpose in it, I’d feel better about myself. Because that’s totally logical. Damned sarcasm! Wait, no. Damned Universe! Yes, damned Universe, indeed.

Double Feature!

I've been in DC for almost.. sweet merciful crap! 4 months!? How did that happen? It's been a struggle and that's putting it lightly. In fact, that word in its various forms is used pretty often in these two bits of a blog. I'm trying to re-focus myself because my mind was been bogged down pretty severely with worry and stress because I'm in probably one of the most trying circumstances I've ever put myself in. So I've been determined to reverse that, and these two mini blogs are part of it. The first is a piece on what I currently have to be thankful for and the second is merely a letter written from myself to myself. Not the most complicated or thought-provoking stuff, certainly, but helpful nevertheless.

I HAVE AND AM THANKFUL FOR

So my thoughts these past couple of months and past couple of weeks especially have been plagued with constant thoughts and feelings of lack. I'm lacking this, I should've done this so I could have had that, and so on and so forth. To try to reverse this trend, I'm going to write a quick couple of things down that I actually HAVE and that I am thankful for.

First off, and I forget this often, but I'm in mother effing Washington, D.C. and this has been a pretty big goal of mine for years. The fact that I'm here hasn't had a chance to really sink in because I'm so constantly stressed out and worried, but this is a huge accomplishment in itself. Not only am I in DC, I moved here with nothing. The Ed of even three years ago would never EVER have just packed up and moved without some concrete plan set up. I suppose I have courage and for that I am grateful.

I don't own much really and even though this is a huge stress sometimes, I could be happy about it. My thoughts often stray to the fact that people my age are buying houses and investing and are able to buy big things like furniture and TVs, though at the moment, I can barely afford food. I suppose this is what it's like to be poor and it sucks. The big thing to keep in mind, though, is that I'm NOT poor. I have a laptop and a nice camera and other things, and I'm certainly not living in abject poverty so things could be considerably worse. I'm thankful that I'm NOT out on the street or starving.

One of the things I'm struggling with the most is having my master's degree. It was a huge goal for a long time and now that I have the fancy paper, it feels like it's done me absolutely no favors. I'm now $60,000 in debt and it's hard to be grateful for something that just makes me bitter when I think about it. I'm so frustrated with it that my mind seems to have forgotten how incredible the experience actually was and how I lived a dream for a year. Granted, I never thought it would be this difficult when I finally had the degree, but what I did was amazing. I need to keep that in mind and be grateful for the experience instead of feeling bitter about having gotten a master's degree that doesn't seem to do much good right now.

I'm definitely thankful for the support of my friends and family. Without them, I don't know where I'd be. It's only because I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by great supportive people that I've been able to live the life of a nomad and see so many places these past couple of years.

I'm thankful for inspiration, wherever it comes from. I'm thankful for my constant hunger for knowledge, which has allowed me to completely transform my way of thinking and to see how to change my attitudes. The past few weeks have been difficult for me, there's no doubt about that. I've been forced to confront my worst fears about money, pride, ego and more and I'm still truckin' along. I'm grateful that I'm able to understand that, for as sucktacular as my current situation may be, it's only temporary. I'm crafty and I'll figure something out, I have faith in that.

The fact that I've accomplished so many goals these past few years is pretty crazy. Many people aren't that lucky. I'm also determined as hell, which is both a good and bad thing. Nothing stands in my way from accomplishing what I want but I think I might be at the point where I'm willing to let go of that. It's gotten me far, but struggling this much isn't a fun process. I really would like to figure out what it is that the Universe needs me to do. Why was I created? Why did I bring myself to this point in time and space? I've been forcing creation to bend to my will for a while and I feel like I finally just can't bend it anymore without a massive fight.

What I'd like to do, and I'm grateful for having come to this realization lately, is surrender to the will of the Universe. I feel like I need to read some Islamic stuff as Islam means "to submit" and maybe reacquaint myself with some things relating to Taoism, which is about finding the path of least resistance and letting nature work through me. Now this all sounds well and good but I have no idea how to discover what it is the Universe would like me to do. I dunno why, but I feel like I need to check out astrology or mediums or something. Some other ideas I wouldn't have considered before are popping up, too. I've tried asking the Universe to point me in a general direction but I haven't been able to hear a damned thing from it lately, most likely because my mind, heart and soul are drowning in worry and stress. If anyone has any recommendations about direction, that would be fantastic!

I've been using my time here in DC to do a lot (and I do mean A LOT) of reading on various aspects of spirituality and I feel like that's going to be a common thread during my stay here. I just need a bit of guidance and reassurance sometimes!

WRITE A LETTER TO MYSELF

Okay Ed, this is what's really going on...

You're stressed out. That's obvious. You're frustrated and you have reason to be. But you're still you underneath all of the external bullshit that you're trudging through right now and YOU KNOW you're strong. You'll get through this and as usual, everyone you know will be amazed at your strength. You demand a lot out of life because you know you're capable of a lot but because of that, you're bound to run into a few brick walls here and there or encounter a few situations that aren't the easiest. But you will survive. Not only that, you will thrive.

You chose a long time ago to not follow the typical path of most people your age. You feel behind, you feel like you're not successful or like everyone else is so much further ahead than you are. You feel like that your life at 27 is what most people you know experienced at 22. But you know that you've affected lives and changed people for the better. You've traveled the world and you're educated. You feel like that doesn't count for much now, but it will and you know that deep down. Your education and your chosen major helped show you a lot about the world and how every day people can make a difference. You are one of those people.

Love troubles you easily. Give it up. How much time have you wasted searching and searching for him? How much heartache, shame and disappointment have you endured in a search that hasn't brought you much? You spend hours a day looking through the guys, hoping to find one you really click with. Yet it doesn't happen and the guys you really want never end up wanting you back. You struggle with it and it hurts every single day. So why bother? You hate being controlled by your lesser impulses and this is something you've known for a while, so why do you always come back to it? You won't find him online. You know that. Give it up.

The spirituality thing is key. It is what will get you through this and it is what will give you a lot of your strength.

Smiles help. Helping strangers helps. Giving helps. Focus on your breathing. Don't get caught up in your thoughts. When you feel the worry an stress coming, breathe through it and try to laugh because you will laugh about this and feel joy in it in thirty years. Why shouldn't you laugh and feel joy about it now?

Learning to Love This World.

Oh, man. This post is a rambler, and it's fairly.. deep, for lack of a better word. Musings on Christmas, fear, spirituality, the Self, time, death, capitalism, Wikileaks, the circle of life and even more, are all found within. This is from my journal that I've been adding to all day. If you're reading this, I apologize for the conflicting styles. It's basically a stream-of-consciousness exercise, so it repeats in places and may run on a bit. It's also large, because I wanted to work through my thought process as much as I could. Normally, I don't post my journal here 'cause I like to keep that stuff to myself, but I had a good time working through all this and I like to share the more interesting thoughts that grace my buzzing mind. This is a bit of a vain thing to do, though, as I contradict the idea that my words and thoughts can teach anyone anything later on in this post, but hey, that's fine! It may get preachy in places, but keep in mind that I'm guilty of every sin that I call out.

This whole thing has been primarily inspired by two books. The first is Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse and it's a fictional novel about the life of Buddha. I loved it. The second book that helped to inspire this post is The Way of the Wizard by Deepak Chopra, awesomely given to me by a constant source of inspiration, my friend Grace. So, without further adieu, I'm just going to jump into this:

Siddhartha ends up sympathetic to the trials and tribulations of man.
I don’t think I’m there yet.
I get aggravated with people,
Even with myself,
When they get preoccupied in their lives,
When they feel that the rest of the world doesn’t exist.
I suppose I hold that in contempt a bit
Because we all get too wrapped up in all of our petty problems.
But these problems are all they know.
Even with my momentary serenity,
I have problems with my bleeding heart liberal.
I want everyone to know how tragic life can be for everyone else
But then again,
Maybe it’s not tragic.
I suppose people who were born into developing countries
Or in really awful conditions
Chose to do that because they needed to learn whatever lessons they needed to in that particular situation.
Those of us outside it,
Me especially,
Are simply passing judgment.
I want to put these people up on a pedestal in an attempt to shake the people in the West from their complacency
And their consumerism
Which is making everyones’ lives worse.
The people in the developing world are slaves to our needs
As they’re stuck making our products and destroying their land for pennies
While we’re slaves to our desires and our marketing and our lifestyles.
No one’s really happy.
Really poor people just want food, water and shelter
And for their kids to have a better life than what they were born into.
People in the middle class are miserable because they want more.
We aspire to be rich,
Or to have this thing and that thing,
Or this experience and that experience.
And not that I know,
But I’m sure the rich aren’t happy, either.
Bernie Madoff’s son just killed himself yesterday
And the only reason I bring that up is because his family was massively rich.
They got that way from essentially fucking people over out of greed.
Everyone aspires to have the lifestyle of the super-rich
To have enough money to live carefree,
But money never really allows us to live carefree.
We’re left wanting more of it
Or we’re left scared that we’re going to lose it.
I’ve known for a while that the pursuit of riches and money, aka greed,
Is just another form of fear,
And anyone who lives their life dominated by a fear never ends up happy.
Thus,
Anyone who tries to amass unnecessary amounts of wealth most likely isn’t happy.
I don’t think this means I should embrace being an ascetic,
But I do believe that pursing money for the wrong reasons will only end up in disaster.
I really would like to have enough money so that I could give bunches of it away on kiva.
But then again,
My stupid inner bleeding heart liberal judgements come out again.
Who's to say that those people need my help?
Though I suppose if they're signed up to that site, they certainly want it!
Like I said, though,
I put these people up on a pedestal,
When many of them would just want to have a lifestyle similar to mine
And here I am bitching about how bad it is.
But I suppose that’s just the thing,
No one is happy where they are and we all want more
Or at least some massive change.

Do those in power have an interest in keeping all of us unhappy and unfulfilled?
I think so.
It’s not like I’m talking about anything new or novel here.
Hell,
I’m pretty sure this exactly what Jesus was talking about
And yet here in America,
We celebrate his birth by buying shit!
How ridiculous.
Some guy in a beard ran around talking about how the poor are closer to god than the rich
And yet his birth represents the biggest rush of capitalism throughout the year.
Man, that’s gotta be the most ridiculous piece of irony in the history of irony.
The key to our salvation,
At least according to Jesus,
Involves us renouncing our greed and fear
And yet we spend his supposed birthday indulging in our greed and fear by keeping this gear that exploits the poor turning.
Those in power tend to be the ones who exploit fear the most.
Just look at what’s going on with Wikieaks right now;
A mass of previously classified information gets released and it sends the powerful of the world into a fear-crazed tizzy about even more protection and security
Simply because the words they wrote are being read by everyone.
I do believe that those in power,
And not just governments,
I’m primarily speaking of the lords of capitalism,
Want us to remain unfulfilled.
How else could they convince us to buy so much crap?
So much of our marketing presents our products to us as the answer to further fulfillment or happiness,
Or the answer to a problem,
And after living with the product for a year,
How much of that fulfillment remains
And how much of that problem is left unsolved?

Ok, so back to Siddhartha.
Here are some quotes that I thought were especially poignant in the last chapter:

“[the world] is perfect at every moment; every sin already carries grace within it, all small children are potential old men, all sucklings have death within them, all dying people -- eternal life (116).”

I like this one because it essentially means that everything that’s currently occurring, no matter how awful it is, has purpose and positivity and goodness in it. This was something that I wrestled with when reading Conversations with God, and I’d rather not revisit the ridiculously long thought process that occurred after, but I’m glad that I still understand it and agree with it. It’s just so damned difficult to keep in mind when going through something that sucks so bad!

“I learned that through my body and soul that it was necessary for me to sin, that I needed lust, that I had to strive for property and experience nausea and the depths of despair in order to learn not to resist them, in order to love learn to love the world, and no longer compare it with some kind of desired imaginary world, some imaginary vision of perfection, but to leave it as it is, to love it and be glad to belong to it (116).”

Ugh, ain’t this one a bitch? To truly love all the heartache, the pain, the shittiness of life and the bad stuff that always happens feels like it requires the patience and mindset of a saint. I know from my experience that I always think to remember this lesson during bad times, but it’s so difficult. However, thinking it and doing it are two different things. I think I just need more practice. HOWEVER, UNIVERSE.. that does not mean that I want life to get even worse than it is right now to test this hypothesis! Balls! Balls..

“...what is of value and wisdom to one man seems nonsense to another (117).”

“...teachings are of no use to me; they have no hardness, no softness, nor colors, no corners, no smell, no taste -- they have nothing but words. Perhaps that is what prevents ou from finding peace, perhaps there are too many words, for even salvation and virtue. Samsara and Nirvana [illusion and truth] are only words, Govinda. Nirvana is not a thing; there is only the word Nirvana (118).”

For all the reading I do on spirituality and the different traditions I’m interested in (Taoism, Kabbalah, Buddhism, Alchemy, crazy other stuff), it’s all semi-pointless. One of the thoughts I thought (or felt, I suppose), was that everyone finds happiness in their own way. We’re all here to experience life differently and it’s incredibly naive of me to believe that if I follow a certain teacher’s words exactly that I’ll find my answers. I’ll only find his (or hers, of course). Everyone needs to make their own path and learn the lessons they need to learn on their own.

The biggest point of Siddhartha seems to be about Unity and how important that is, and I believe that word nicely captures most of what I’ve already written about. We’re all in this together. We all have pieces of everything else in us and vice versa. My body is simply a collection of random atoms and molecules and so is everything else. We’re all just stardust. I remember hearing “ashes to ashes and dust to dust” a lot in Catholic school and I think most kids understand the meaning of it. When we die, we simply become dirt. Simple as that. But the simplicity of the phase denies the complexity of the process. We’re just renting the molecules we use to propel our bodies around this Earth and before we rented these specific molecules, something else rented them for the exact same purpose. For instance, the soup that I had for lunch today had lots of vegetables in it. Let’s take the green beans, for example. The plant rented its molecules to grow and thrive until it was put into my soup where I ate it and now my body will use those same atoms and molecules to keep going. The plant had to be fertilized in order to grow, so the cow that pooped out the fertilizer is part of this chain, too. And when I end up dying, something else is going to rent my molecules, too. I think that’s a really humbling idea and that’s why when I die, I want to be buried somewhere remote without any sort of crazy poisonous fluid in me so that my molecules can turn into a tree that will live for a hundred years and spread its leaves all over. How awesome is that? Yes, I got that idea from The Fountain, thank you very much.

Now, I’m sure anyone that can read this understands this process, but the question is do we feel it? I don’t think many of us do. The first time I did was a few years ago and because of this wonderful idea, my attitude (even though it’s straining lately) is incessantly optimistic and bouncy. Where do I get all of my energy from and why am I usually so damned happy when I hang out with people? Mostly because I really do understand and feel this concept.

So after finishing Siddhartha,
I’ve come to believe that my mission is to learn to love the world.
The way that it is structured,
Its rules,
Its mistakes,
Its follies
And all the potentially terrible things that are occurring every moment.
Just as it is now
Because god knows it’s not perfect.

After finishing the book,
I picked up my old journal from 2007
And I appear to still be struggling with the same concepts.
I understand lots of stuff,
But I have a hard time applying most of it
And ensuring that I follow what I think in these moments of inspiration.
How frustrating!

I then read some of The Way of the Wizard.
Apparently wizards like Merlin are thought to live life backwards through time
And Arthur asked why they do this and what benefits could possibly come from it.
So Merlin ordered Arthur to dig a huge ditch and then fill it all back in.
Merlin asked him what he thought of the task,
Arthur felt that it was “pointless.”
Merlin then said, “Exactly, and so is most human effort. But the pointlessness isn’t discovered until too late, after the work has been done. If you lived backward in time, you would have seen such ditch digging as pointless and not begun in the first place (42).”
Hello the past 4 months of my life!
Over 100 resumes sent out and an overwhelming feeling that the entire effort was incredibly pointless.

Everyone is too obsessed with the trappings of the body
And what occurs to us while we’re stuck in it;
Most people believe that we move into some kind of afterlife once we die
And yet we can’t seem to translate that idea into every day life,
Maybe because we don’t have much proof.
But as I was thinking in bed last night,
If we had tangible proof of the afterlife
And how great it supposedly is,
What’s to stop us all from committing mass suicide to move onto the next step because so many of us are so unhappy in this one?
I think we’re shielded from the afterlife so much just because of that reason.

Anyway,
As I was saying,
People are so obsessed with this life and their problems within it.
One thing I always tell people (and myself) is that the pain we’re experiencing today will be gone in 30 years,
So why stress over it now?
Think back even 10 years.
I’ll use me as an example.
I was 17 and in my senior year of high school
And my biggest concerns were getting into college and how awesome my fishnets and leather pants were.
Those worries seem so innocuous to me now
And I’m sure the worries that stress me out now
Will seem innocuous to 37 year old Ed.
Putting more focus on this thought,
I can see exactly how the path that I’ve followed my entire life has led me to this exact moment,
And how even the most dire of times simply led me to the most amazing experience of my life.
I’ve spoken about it a lot,
But the years before grad school were filled with constant disappointment and heartache.
Now, though,
I can see that if everything had worked out really easily right away,
And I had gotten into school for photography in Savannah,
I would’ve missed out on the best experience of my life.
So,
All that bad stuff held a purpose
And was just potential amazingness before it turned into amazingness.

We’ll all move past what we’re experiencing
And it’ll be replaced with new pains and new joys
And all of those will be replaced, too.
So why bother focusing on all the negative stuff that holds us back?
Why not just embrace all the good stuff and not worry about the rest?
It’s so hard because we’re stuck in this illusion of time,
And it seems to be that moving past this illusion
And understanding it constantly,
Every moment of every day,
Is the key to actual happiness.
So I suppose that is moving backwards in time.
Not focusing on the future necessarily,
But realizing that once we get so far into the future,
All of today,
Which will then be the long forgotten past,
Won’t matter too much to us then.
I just need to project my thoughts really far ahead in time again.
I’ve done this before,
It’s just stupidly difficult to keep focused.

“Cutting the timeless into little pieces creates time, and that is still our tendency (43).”

I did an exercise from Way of the Wizard that involved my writing down my fears in an endless stream for 5 minutes while trying to concentrate on my breathing.
I kept noticing that I was forgetting to breathe correctly,
But I think it was successful!
My writing started off small and focused
And by the end if it,
It was flowy, large and maddening.
I started off each line with “I am afraid of” and then followed it with whatever.
So here’s what I’m afraid of:

Zombies, Angels [I dunno why this came up second, but I thought it was interesting. Maybe ‘cause I don’t really understand them or what their existence could mean], demonic possession, losing control, becoming attached to possessions again, opening up, not succeeding, not finding love, losing my inner voice, not doing this right, being passed by, not completing what I’m meant to, this not working, dying and finding out that there’s nothing after, not being able to inspire again, getting too close to people, never hearing from Jason again, never forming meaningful connections with people, never moving past fear, not being able to finish this or do it right [I had to change pages and this was the first on the next sheet of paper, which interrupted my flow of consciousness a bit], not being able to read this after, not finding a job, getting stuck again, repeating my past mistakes, letting Jason back in.

And that’s it.
I don’t think it really got all that deep
Or maybe I just don’t have all that many fears.
After doing this and reading it through,
I’m at peace with a lot of them because with the idea that time can heal everything,
Most, if not all, of my fears are entirely irrational.

All of this was written throughout the day as I was experiencing it,
Which I think is both helpful to me in the moment
And useful later.
I’ve got a bad habit of forgetting these important thoughts when it comes time to write here at night.
But I think I do feel this whole Unity thing right now.
It’s calming.
My problem is taking this feeling and applying it outside of this moment.
I’ve been thinking about this lately
And my brain seems pretty focused and in the moment when I’m with people.
My thoughts only drift off to ridiculousness when I’m on my own,
Especially when driving.
Getting it to shut the fuck up has always been my biggest problem.
And now,
After all this deep wisdom crap,
I’ve given myself a headache!
Sweet.

Obviously, I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately,
And I feel that if I can learn to love the world that I’m currently experiencing,
This bland, drab, colorless world currently stuck in the grip of winter,
My most hated of seasons,
I find happiness anywhere.
The picture at the beginning of the most isn’t beautiful,
It’s of nothing noteworthy.
It’s not the Great Wall of China,
It’s not a wonderful leaf
Or a hilarious memory from my travels.
It’s simply a view of my street from a window going upstairs
Taken before another storm is supposed to hit.
The true beauty of this picture, though,
Comes from all the thoughts, feelings and emotions inside each one of those houses.
All the smiles,
The great animals,
The memories
And the colorful interiors within
Bely the dreary exterior appearances.

So if I can learn to love this world
Exactly as it is
And not constantly compare it to some blissful world as I think it should be,
I will find some sort of inner peace that I feel is missing.

Phew, I’m exhausted and my head is spinning.
Time to give it a rest for a bit!

Overcoming being discouraged
/not there just yet/

Liberty vs. Equality this sunday sunday SUNDAY!!

Someone left a comment on my last post (yanno.. the one ripping the Tea Party to shreds) that got my brain turning. It referred to this statement: “limiting government intervention is one thing but saying that it's a terrible idea for government to regulate the economy but it's perfectly okay for it to regulate my marriage to another guy is pure hypocrisy.” I believe that the Tea Party should be pro gay marriage if they really believed what they were saying. This person then asked me to flip my argument around: if the government should be allowed to regulate the economy, should it be allowed to regulate marriage? After thinking about it for a bit, I have my answer. And my answer is that I get to have it both ways: a government should regulate economic issues while also pushing social equality. I get to have it both ways because this argument boils down to a very basic discussion within democratic governments that was once heatedly debated: liberty versus equality.

As Americans, we were taught history but we really weren't taught to analyze it well. We know the stories, but we have a really hard time with the concepts behind the stories because we're expected to sit back and coast through life consuming without causing too much trouble. Because of this, people have a really hard time putting their political beliefs in simple terms, but if everyone sat back and thought about this really important distinction between liberty and equality, it may help. I'll start off by defining each concept. Liberty basically means the freedom to do whatever one wants without the fear of government action. See that Roman root in the word? This is why I don't like calling myself a "liberal" --I prefer "progressive" because I like progress and change-- as the basic belief in liberty is freedom from oppression, which I obviously do agree with, but when bastardized, it can mean freedom from government intervention which I think is a terrible idea. We have the "liberties" of freedom of speech and religion and other wonderful ideas because they are enshrined in our Constitution, which is a document soaked in liberty. It tells the government what it cannot do as opposed to what it should be doing, which gives it a healthy dose of wiggle room along with necessary restraint.

Equality, on the other hand, is an idea people talk about on a daily basis. Liberty seems to be something left to the Revolutionaries as some of us has lived with it for centuries. We're used to freedom of speech and religion. Liberty is something so basic to American values that it's rarely talked about. It's the equality that usually alluded our society, and it, of course, means ensuring that everyone has a truly fair shot at life and are given the same protections and opportunities as everyone else. A kid who grows up in our broken cities who attends our broken schools does not receive the same treatment as the kids who attends affluent private schools. They both get the opportunity to go to school which is something many countries can't afford, but we have a long way to go if we pride ourselves on being an equal society. What "equal" means to a lot of people is really different, however, and so are the ways to obtain it.

Now the problem with these two ideas is that they diametrically oppose each other: a society cannot have complete liberty while striving for complete equality because as governments push for extreme equality, freedom tends to decrease. That's called communism, folks, and I'm not advocating for that. If we reverse the equation, though, we see that as people are given more and more freedom to act as they choose, equality tends to decrease. Our current economic situation is a perfect example. We tore out the guts of our regulatory systems which was meant to decrease the amount of "freedom" and risk corporations could take. This encouraged widespread privatization and led to massive increases in wealth for the richest among us. And guess what happened to the gap between the rich and the poor in this country? Or the power and wealth of the middle class? That's right, we've gotten screwed. Take a look at this nice graph because I like when people can see just how bad things have gotten:



This graph was taken from Paul Krugman's blog. The dots track how much the richest .01% of the American population own as a percentage of the total wealth in the country. Look at that spike in the 20's. That was right before the Great Depression and look how much higher the last dot is and that was in 2007! Just this past year, as American households saw their wealth fall by almost 3 percent, the top 400 richest Americans saw their combined wealth increase nearly 10 percent. The 400 richest Americans now own almost 3% of the entire nation's wealth. 400 people! That's smaller than some graduating high school classes! How can anyone think that this situation is perfectly acceptable, let alone sustainable? Never before in American history has the income gap between rich and poor been so wide. If we continue down this road of widespread privatization, deregulation and encouraging profit-at-all-costs through unfettered economic liberty, we can only expect this situation to get worse, most likely at the expense of average Americans.

I believe that a responsible government should be in the business of promoting equality at the expense of some liberties, especially economic ones. It's not healthy for our economy and the graphs and statistics I've used have shown this. I'm willing to give up economic liberty for economic equality, and yes, this benefits me since I'm not likely to be making any crazy economic risks with my no job and no income. But since I've never said the people should be free to do whatever they want, I'm perfectly justifiable and not hypocritical in making this argument.

And guess what? This whole post boils down to a word dirtier in America than the worst swear words combined (I should really create such a word): socialism. The dumbass Tea Partiers hang this word around President Obama's neck like a noose when socialist policies that seek to reduce income inequality in sensible ways would be in their own interest. Like I said earlier, equality taken to the extreme is Communism and while I don't think total Communism has been tried as each form has corrupted the basic ideas of the system, Communism would obviously never work here. But socialist policies do work here and they have in the past. It's unfortunate that the word is seen with such disdain here in the States.

If these Tea Baggers.. damnit, I did it again.. Tea Partiers were led completely by ideology, that's fine. But the sad thing is that these people have gotten suckered into believing that choosing liberty over equality would somehow benefit them. Choosing liberty over equality hurts the average American and only benefits corporate puppet-masters of the Tea Party that exist behind the curtain which features a picture of an elephant ridden by a very white Jesus holding a rifle and a beer.

So back to that person's comment and the beginning of my post. I do get to have it both ways: our government should regulate business to promote equality and our government should stay the fuck out of social issues unless equality is threatened. Wa-BAM, bitches! Simple ideological compass. Sensible policies that promote equality create a healthy middle class and having a robust middle class with the power to continue to support themselves is the only way out of the mess we're in. Once again, it all comes down to choice in November: on one hand, we've got a bunch of morons running around in silly hats brandishing signs that make me embarrassed to have come from the country that educated these people. They tout a bastardized version of liberty. On the other hand, we've got a party who tends to fuck up with governance which has resulted in widespread disappointment. It's led by a President who I truly think gets it and understands that equality and a healthy middle class is the only way out of this. His efforts have just been stymied by these fake liberty loving assholes. I think it's pretty obvious where my vote is going and where yours should go, too. Unless, of course, you're one of the 400 people out of 307 million who have benefitted from dysfunctional economic liberties.

I'll have my tea served with two cubes of regulation and government safety standards thanks to programs like the FDA, thanks.

While the nation seems to be reveling in a tea-induced fever, my humble little city has spawned the Republican nominee for governor of New York state: a pissed-off little man who uses the word "hell" in his political slogan and yet the social conservatives are fine with this, even though I distinctly remember it being a swear word when I was a kid. Rest of the country, meet Carl Paladino, an avid Tea Bagger.. I mean Partier. Tea Partier, sorry.

Most are well aware that the "Tea Party" movement touts liberty above all else. These Tea Baggers say that they want to shrink the government so that it leaves "we the people" alone. Okay, fine, in that sense you sound a bit like Libertarians. And Libertarians, I can see where you're coming from. I honestly do. I can even get behind a lot of what you believe. Government can be a dangerous tool when used oppressively. But oh, wait, these Tea Party People (whose parties always seem really lame) don't qualify as true Libertarians. True Libertarians decry any and all government intervention. These Tea Partiers are simply traditional Republicans wearing silly outdated tricorner hats while now donning their racism and hate proudly instead of behind closed doors. Keep in mind, I'm not saying that all Republicans are racist, but it definitely seems like a decent amount of these Tea Partiers are. I don't care how they try to paint their movement, how many black or hispanic people do you see at their gatherings? That's right, next to none. It's usually cranky old white people wearing awesome wolf t-shirts. And one has to admit that their vitriol for President Obama is nasty and, most of the time, blatantly racist.

Anyway, limiting government intervention is one thing but saying that it's a terrible idea for government to regulate the economy but it's perfectly okay for it to regulate my marriage to another guy is pure hypocrisy. There is no other word for it. Many of these people are simply the old-style of Republicans: socially and economically conservative. The Tea Party is just a re-branding of traditionally hypocritical Republican values because they took such a beating after the 2008 election of Barack Obama. No one wanted to call themselves a Republican anymore because the brand was so damaged. If you believe in that shit, that's fine. Just don't try to pretend that this is some sort of sweeping "new" movement because this all has been tried before and it failed.

Let's have a quick history lesson, shall we? People who think that the government is "too big" or is "too dangerous" to deal with the beloved free market were once called --confusingly to Americans-- liberals. The name comes from the whole liberty thing and belief in free markets. After the original complete free market experiment failed miserably (yanno.. widespread child labor, terrible working conditions, low pay and a massive economic depression), they retreated to the academic gutter while regulation and government assistance became the norm with the New Deal. America and the world prospered until things did get a bit out of hand and bloated until Reaganomics and Thatcherism came along and introduced some necessary competition and privatization to the public sector. What comes after is the subject of another post, however. In other words, government regulation is necessary. It protects us from the follies of what we experienced before the Great Depression: businesses doing what they pleased while people sat back until everyone suffered from the risky and dangerous practices of the greedy private sector. These Tea Baggers are threatening to take the ax to many important government programs to prove their faith in "free markets." Let's not forget that not only is untempered faith in free markets one of the larger causes of The Great Depression, deregulation and lack of oversight of the financial sector is a direct cause of the current economic mess in which we find ourselves! Hooray, history repeats itself once again. That's not to say I'm not for capitalism. I'm for sensible and regulated capitalism which allows for proper oversight.

Now, keeping all that in mind, here we have this nice little resurrection of dangerous beliefs because people can't bother to take a proper lesson in history. The funniest thing is that many of these "Tea Partiers" who claim to love free markets, competition, fiscal responsibility and limited government rarely hold true to their ideals in their personal lives. Carl Paladino, Western New York's angry little man who considers big government dangerous, is just one of those people. Everyone in Buffalo seems to be enamored with this guy because A, he's from the area and B, he's bitching about the dysfunction in Albany and our symbiotic relationship with downstate, a strategy that is sure to win you fans all across upstate NY. He wants to "slash business regulations and cut business taxes and end bureaucratic harassment of the private sector." Surprise, surprise. It all just sounds so noble and angry, doesn't it? Too bad that once one learns a little bit about this guy's business practices, all this angry anti-government rhetoric reveals itself to be pure self-interest. If you're reading this and you're from Buffalo, and if you take only one thing away from reading this post, let it be this: while Carl Paladino promotes himself as an "outsider" and is screaming that government should be spending less, as a businessman, he encourages the exact opposite. He's the government's largest landlord here in WNY, he buys buildings from the government for almost nothing and he receives at least $12 million in government-promoted tax breaks. Sounds to me like he's benefiting a whole fucking lot from government programs and intervention. Slashing regulations, cutting taxes for businesses and ending bureaucracies of his choosing would simply allow him to continue to earn more from our state. He also likes to consider himself a man of the people, but the guy brings in millions of dollars a year. While most New Yorkers are hurting (nearly one in ten are unemployed), he wants to cut government programs and spending when people are relying on things like unemployment and Medicaid now more than ever. Seems a bit out of touch, but hey, people love an angry populist. Of course, there may be perfectly reasonable explanations for what he was trying to do through all of his government assistance, but when the reporter who wrote the article I cited tried to reach him for a comment, Paladino refused. Let's hear it for transparency and accountability at its finest!

Let's also not forget the fact that Republicans rarely live up to their promises. Sure, they'll decimate effective regulation and oversight so that large businesses and corporations can run amok, but they often run on the promise to cut government spending and shrink the overall size. However, when one takes a look at some handy-dandy charts, government spending and debt rose dramatically under recent Republican presidents while it decreased under only Democratic hands (President Obama's situation is different enough to warrant further explanation, and if you want me to explain this to you sometime, that's fine. I'm just not gonna waste the space here). This obviously simplifies things and takes a lot out of the picture, but the basic fact remains that Republicans have run on these themes for decades and yet never really seem to follow through on their promises. What makes us think this time will be different? Because of those fun hats and signs with terrible grammar?

Sorry guys, but it seems that Republicans are really fucking good at one thing and one thing only: marketing. Feel free to buy into it all again, everyone. Just stop bitching about the size of government spending when the Republicans are just as much to blame for it, if not more so. Paladino, this crazy O'Donnell woman from Delaware, Sarah Palin and any other "Tea Partier" aren't offering us anything new and in fact, cutting government programs at a time when Americans need them the most is closer to suicide than it is to helping us. Through the Tea Party, Republicans are hoping to ride this wave of populist anger to regain power in order to impose strict measures at a time when what they want is nothing short of disastrous. They will hurt the vast majority of the population while benefiting only those at the very top. This is dastardly and utterly deceptive (I like my d-flavored adjectives tonight!). Here's hoping that the majority of Americans are smart enough to see through the smoke and mirrors in November.